Since the big chocolate and panties day is coming up, she thought she'd introduce herself by giving some advice for any gentlemen aspiring to plunder booty ...especially those on a budget. Tune in to the lovely Poodie's Myspace Page to get the raw uncut genius of her personal blog. Now with no further ado...
Valentine's Day for DUMMIES! How NOT to Eff up!
Everyone knows that times are in the toilet, so your special lady is not expecting a 'pimp my bride' gift this year. Whether you’re dead broke, blue collar, white collar, or dog collar, let Poodie show u how to do this SON!!
Here are two Valentine's Day game plans that should brighten any young man’s chances of 'ass-gettage' by nightfall.
Sidenote to Ladies that buy V-Day Gifts
Valentine's Day-themed gifts for a grown ass man... are GAY AS FOCK! NO MAN wants shiny heart-ridden boxers with "Be Mine" on his ass crack. He is NEVER gonna wear that Cupid tie! Try to fathom… WHERE can he dignifiedly display a red velvet monkey that sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"? Stop Man Abuse NOW!
Now, back to the fellas.
The PRACTICAL Plan
[For the employed]
Simplicity works! Your lady uses products & shit. Eventually she runs out of them. Secretly write down her regular brands (i.e., lotions, perfumes, oils, warming jellies, candles & the rest of that shit she uses JUST for your ass), ….head to the store and get to replenishing! Have a female relative or friend 'PANSY IT UP' into a basket or some cutesy package. Add a glittery, ignorantly large, funny or tenderly poetic card, and if you so have it like that......go in for the kill and add the receipt of a paid bill or "SOM'N ON" a bill!
Mmmmm, sounds like foreplay to me!
WARNING: Depending on the size of the bill you pay, she may feel incited to propose marriage. Or babies.
The EMERGENCY BROKE ASS Plan
[For those of you who have less than a job]
Keep in mind that she KNOWS you're broke. There's NO need to spend your lil' unemployment check on some foolishness that you KNOW she will inevitably HATE or PAWN when the lights get turned off. You'll need approximately $10.
1-Cop a nice card, $0.99 bubble bath and about 2 roses/flowers. Take the card and write something all of your boys would clown you about.
2-Break out the cleaning supplies. Clean up as best as your hairy, testosterone-filled body can [ie., seat down in the bathroom, make the bed, take the trash out].
3-Spray Febreeze for effect.
4-Find a free recipe or two on the back of a packaged good already in the house [ex: 'Oodles of Noodles' usually has one!].. Base your recipe choice on the one with the majority of the ingredients already in your fridge or cabinet and get to readin' & cookin'... IN THAT ORDER.
5-Run a bubble-bath (the cheap kind makes the same bubbles. NO BUBBLES are special]. De-petal the roses/flowers & toss lightly across the bubbles.
Do NOT STRESS the cleaning for immaculateness nor the food for pleasurable edibility, as she understands that you are merely a man.
I PROMISE SUCCESS! She cares about YOUR EFFORT more than anything! If you make "Oodles of Noodles a la Teriyaki", she will act like it's Filet Mignon because YOU MADE IT for her. The bubble bath is also for effect. You're gonna get some as soon as she even SEES it!
Thank me later.
And if she doesn't like either plan… GET RID OF THAT UNGRATEFUL BYTCH!