Cookin' Healthy, Cookin' Drunk

One of my favorite things to do is to get shit-faced, go home and cook a glorious gourmet meal. I'm a former biology major and fan of the internal arts (tai chi, chi kung, yoga). On top of that, I'm a weekend warrior with the pop physics and culinary arts. So on any given day, I'm levitating in the kitchen doing aerial push-ups, reading a cookbook and moving the pages with my mind. I've always been into experimentation...as a youth, I used to grow rocks in a fish tank and eat spoonfuls of glue and paste for the sake of science. My room was a lab. After I got my Bio degree, I chose the microphone over the microscope,.....so the KITCHEN is my laboratory. It's where I keep my head straight. For the past year or two, I've been deep in the science of food combining (Herbert Shelton wrote the book on it, "Food Combining Made Easy", you should check it out) and the Ayurvedic diet. What I made last night was from this book...

Ayurvedic is simply an ancient way of saying "holistic", for all points and purposes. The science was developed alongside yoga to support and enhance yogic practice and an excellent lifestyle. It takes into account things like time of day and year, how to cut a carrot so it will follow you on Twitter, and how different types of soaps, fragrances, fabrics, exercises and sexual techniques will keep your mojo swinging.. Most importantly it observes how to eat according to your age, gender and body type. These body type are known as "doshas" in Ayurvedic science, and there are three of them: Vata, Pitta, Kapha.

If you're a Vata, you might be slender, excitable, and able to outrun a woodchuck. You may also prefer warm climates where you can be outdoors and constipated in relative peace.

If you're a Pitta, you might have an athletic build, dream in color, love all meat, and have flexible but strong toenails. You might also emit a small, puffy cloud of seahorses from your ass if you miss a meal.

If you're a Kapha, you might be more on the heavy-set side, you are a deadly combination of stubborn and rarely thirsty, money is easy to save for you, and the only way you will remember a dream is if it was about bread.

I'm mostly Pitta myself, with heapin helpins of the other doshas.

Last night I made my first stab into the realm of Ayurvedic cooking. Up to now, my culinary arsenal has included Southern/Soul Food (my macaroni & cheese has given sight to a blind Senegalese man and raised a dead Texan baby from the grave), Carribean, Chinese, Mexican, stews, pastas and even some experimental tinctures, potions and elixirs. They've served me well so far, but now I'm ready to go maniac with the cooking. And it's about time I learn how to cook things of a more royal and divine nature for my royal and divine wife.

The Ayurvedic technique took me a while to get to, because it's kind of intimidating...even just the base ingredients, seasons and spices you have to get. They might included (but are not limited to):

-"Ghee", which is basically Clarified Butter from an Enlightened Cow
-Black Mustard Seeds shat by a fiery phoenix
-Mandras Curry beat from the rugs of the Mothership
-Cleric-pressed Sunflower Oil
-Ginger root from the set of the first Terminator movie

Shit's easier to find than you might think.

This first dish I made was tridoshic, which means none of the doshas will get heartburn, nightmares or bleeding ankles after eating it. Actually, if they're so lucky, a small droplet of golden ambrosia will appear at the corner of their eyes afterwards. In that droplet will appear a vision of Dave Chappelle in a pair of goat pants, playing a flute. And he will murmur God's one true name in French.

The short of the concoction was this: broccoli, cauliflower, string beans, and green peas in a curry sauce completely fashioned from scratch. Served over a bed of aromatic herb basmati rice....with a side of fresh tomatoes and red bell peppers.

The helpful properties of this meal:

The cooling qualities of peas balance the warming qualities of the curry and spices, bringing balance to the heat element in your body.

The small amount of yogurt in the curry, thinned by water, aids in digestion.

The cauliflower, chopped gingerly, activates the Bailey's from the Irish Car Bomb.


When it was all said and done, this was one of the best meals I've ever had in my life, and was a fine way to soak up the three pints of Guiness and two shots of Jameson I had used to align my chakras a couple of hours before. Special thanks to Vishnu, Dr. Candyshots and the cast and crew of the first Terminator movie.